Music

Musings on music for the week.

When I get stuck on what to draw I just look up music videos and pause at poses that I enjoy. This has been my current hyper fixation. The part where all the women are in their lingerie ready to be picked is a good one for when I want to practice a ton of faces. Also Megan is hot what can I say? I like drawing her different poses and outfits. The one in the thumbnail being a big favorite along with her lingerie.

I thought to myself "Is there like a "big Spanish Christmas song that isn't like Feliz Navidad?" yes.

I heard this and memories came crashing back like a flood, sweeping me away into the past.

I feel like I should apologize for putting so much Spanish music? At the same time, it is songs that I like and just understand? XD I don't know it's like it feel performative you know?

Anyways I like this song for it simply being a sad song about a lost love. Which I think is not something I often listen too, most of my songs having a positive spin to a situation like this. Like yes they were betrayed or hurt but are better off without them. Or that it was a lesson, or not that big deal etc etc. This is just "yo i am sad" and I like that. Being able to just be in that emotion, not attempting to be strong just being so sad.

Another song I use for poses, the way the dancers move is SO GOOD I love it. There is a section where Doja Cat does a solo dance performance and I am obsessed with it. Again I am fascinated with how bodies move.

Work and Productivity

Work has been ok, I am in my favorite section. I am not sure why I like it, I think because I can prepare and prevent instead of simply reacting in the moment, I mean there is part of that there too. Even when that happens I already have a plan on how to conquer that obstacle. I do however, not like it when other people do my section when I have the day off, because I know they do it the same way I do and either I am lucky and get everything done or I am stuck running around trying to put the pieces back together.

I have also been thinking of how I feel the need to be productive constantly. I am waaaaaaay better about it now, actually letting my self relax when there is no need to do any work at my job. Having to be constantly "on" for 10 hours in crazy. I need these moment where I am "lazy" to recoup for the next burst of energy. I still feel guilty when other coworkers walk by, granted they don't do anything but it feels like I am being watched and examined constantly.

I keep telling myself I am a machine, I am not meant to be optimal, I can falter and ask for breaks. Just because something is efficient it does not mean I need to fill in the free space with SOMETHING else to do.

Death

Had a dream? or something, Anyways, sleeping has been difficult for me these past few days and one of the times I woke up in the middle of the night. The panic that I will just die and nothing of my existence will be permanent set in again. I do think about this a lot, constantly. How easily my life could be wiped out. Is it healthy? Perhaps not to the degree that I think about it, but I then turn to my partner in the same bed and think "I need to cherish these moments" and then I turn to my very old dog who is closer to death each breath he takes. He won't be with me for long, I know this and perhaps it was my lack of acknowledgement of that fact that has caused this thought to plummet me into the abyss. Death comes for us all, it is unpredictable. It could be today, it could years, it could be your next breath.

It..is scary.

It is inevitable, even as I repeat it over and over and over. I face it with trembling breath. However, it guides me in my life, what is it that you really find important to you. For the world?

I think about all the crazy things happening around us and the many lives to whom death has come early, unexpected. For what, why do we do this, what will infinite wealth and power do, in the face of death. Nothing, the costs of all these lives for what exactly? Resources? We could share those, why do we horde, the fear of losing? I think that is what drives a lot of us. Fear, fear of hunger, thirst, poverty, the "enemy". I fear death, I fear a life livened, drowned out by things that do nothing for me. I fear loss, loss of others, of senses, of abilities. Anytime I draw I think that perhaps one day my sight will be gone, my arm will no longer hold a pencil. I begin to mourn the loss, but it also pushes me to make it now because I can now.

In moment's like this I think of the Giver. How in the end of the book when the narrator is out in a blizzard, he calls upon the memory of a sunny day to keep him and the baby he rescued warm. That is what I am doing with my life now, creating those memories, those little specs of warmth to keep me going when the sun no longer rises. When I can no longer life the pen, I will have the memories of all I have created.

This is suppose to be a good feeling by the way. I appreciate the reminder oh brain of mine, but maybe let me sleep so I can make thos memories eh?

I also hate how naive this sounds...but at the same time like can't I just be hopeful? Like damn, I am aware too much optimism can be bad, but sometimes it feels like you can't have any positivity at all like damn.

I blame my mom for always being like "you will miss me when I die" whenever argument went adrift lol

Art/Creativity

DRIED FLOWERS

I dry flowers, I also press them on occasion,but I find pressing flowers more enjoyable (less work let's be honest). I want to attempt pressing flowers again, and try to make little arrangements with them, so we will see. However I did make a cool flower bouquet picture frame thing that I have really enjoyed and fell in love with, I may make more and just hang them up in frames.

I love flowers, however I know they will wilt and die (omg are they talking about death again) YES I AM ITS A CONSTANT IN MY LIFE OK. I am not depressed I swear. Anyways, dried flowers have a delicate eternal beauty I quite am attracted too. I go to a florist very frequently but I also do not like the idea of getting flowers in the middle of winter, they are all dormant and receiving a bouquet of fresh flowers during this time seems....eerie. I am sorry I respect the nature of seasons where I live.

ANATOMY

before I shower I sometimes stand in the mirror and just kind of, look at myself. Not exactly at myself because I don't see it as myself, but at the way the body moves and curves and slants and where things are asymmetrical. How my hair falls on my face, how the slope of a shoulder appears seamless, and as I sketch the body every morning I feel that same feeling of awe and desire. Not a sensual desire but a desire to capture the feeling of amazement I feel when I see the body meld and fold as move along the day.

Also I am in an online art atleier thing. I turn in the assignments and get feedback. I tend to understand most of the criticisms such as my hand is too heavy so the lines are too thick, making more straights so the body has some structure to it etc etc. BUT THE ONE THING I CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE IS MY DRAWINGS LOOKING SKETCHY. Like what? I need to make long confident lines I think, which I thought I did but I guess NOT. Ugh, back to the drawing board we go.

FanFics

I have been playing around with fanfics lately. I am not sure anything is actually going to be published, but I like getting into their heads and feeling our their emotions. I can only do so much with a painting, and it is my preferred way to express emotions. This has been a fun way to tease and prod at my favorite fictional characters and actually explore scenarios in my head instead of letting them simply drift off into the aether.

Thoma/Ayato dom/sub ish dynamic rated E for everyone (it's explicit be careful)

Sethos/Scara was kinda thinking of a holiday trip where Scara introduces Sethos to his family kind off.

Positive Musings

alright time for positive musings!!

Well I volunteer at a food pantry, and this year I collected crochet animals to be able to give near the Holiday season. Safe to say I managed to have enough. I was nervous but luckily it all worked out well. I kind of hate saying I do the food pantry thing because i don't think it's something to be promoted but at the same time I am like....maybe I should so people might be like "oh maybe I should do that?" Idk

I made cinnamon rolls, it was from the tube but they were done. I forgot how pathetic they actually were XD but it was fun and tasty.

I will have a few days off next week so I am very excited about that.

Sometimes I think I don't have many artistic(drawing/painting/that kind of thing) people around me, but this week i was proven very incorrect, and I am grateful I am to have met them.

The sethoscara fic I really enjoy updated!

I have read some good comforting ratio x adventurine fanfic and with the new update it only increased. I love our delulu brains XD.